For this episode I’m going to bring it back full circle to some of the themes that I mentioned in part I, those themes being self-expression, purpose and meaning.
Let’s start with self-expression.
Here’s the thing about authenticity, if we want to stay consistently true to who we are, to truly live a life a self-expression as I defined it in part I, a life of meaning, then that means that we need to embrace change.
Because to be authentic means to consistently act in ways that are congruent with who we truly are, meaning with our personal values, desires and needs, not sporadically, but consistently, day in and day out. But here’s the other thing, who we truly are, is constantly changing.
Now here we’re touching upon a complex idea which is that of the nature Self, an idea that has perplexed to say the very least both scientists and philosophers alike, myself included. It’s a truly endlessly fascinating idea and topic to investigate within oneself because of the paradox that the Self is. It’s both an illusion and yet a reality, experientially speaking.
I say this to say that I recognize that the very the topic of authenticity that we’re now exploring is itself treacherous grounds so to speak, because it hinges on this illusory and elusive nature of a Selfhood. But, however wobbly the grounds of exploration may be, just because this conscious Self that we think ourselves to be is a mirage constructed by the mind, it doesn’t make it any less real, not in terms of how I define reality. Just because something is psychological in nature it doesn’t make it less real for me. From one perspective the Self is absolutely real, and yet from another perspective I recognize that the Self is also an illusion.
The level of reality that I’m addressing here is our experiential reality, which is both a subjective reality and yet a universal reality, because it’s one we all partake in as Human Beings.
So let’s about the Self right now.
The nature of the Self that I’m speaking of here, is the individual Self, I’m not referring to the Universal Self, that I Am that I Am which is the sum total of consciousness, the Source of our Being. I'm speaking of the individual sense of self as as an identity that we feel ourselves to be. And this Self is not a fixed static entity, the nature of this Self is a fundamentally fluid and ever changing one.
This sense of Self that we feel ourselves to be is one that emerges out of several components that are in a constant interplay with one another, it’s an interplay of our opinions, beliefs, our needs, our likes, dislikes, values, passions, memories and so forth, these are what define the Self, the Human Self. And it’s the interaction of these different elements within us combined with the contrasting effect of other people, of other people’s opinions, likes, dislikes, values, etc, that give us a feeling of individual Selfhood.
So know that we’ve briefly established the nature of the Self I’m speaking of, let’s get back to what I said earlier about embracing change.
Everything changes in life. Life is in a constant flux of change, and you are no exception. So because we know that the Self, who we are, is defined by our values, likes, passions, opinions and so forth, we know that this Self is something that is going to change, because as we grow and evolve, so do our values for examples. What mattered to us more than anything as teenagers, will in all likelihood not matter that much to us when we are in our 20s, or 30s, or 40s, and beyond. Our values may change, our likes may change, and our opinions will change. And while some people change to a much greater degree than others, the reality is that we all change to some degree, even if that degree is not immediately perceptible to us or others. Because that’s life. And like life, we are ever changing and ever growing beings.
And on our journeys, as we heal and grow, sometimes we discover that what will actually deeply fulfill us, is not at all what we thought we wanted, what we thought would fulfill us, and it’s certainly not at all what we have been pursuing thus far. And this is where change comes in, this is the crossroad that life presents to us. Are we going to embrace this truth that has been revealed to us, and course correct so that we can stay or get back into alignment with our Soul’s blueprint and mission, or are we going to resist the changes that life is calling us to make, and keep pursing those things that are not meant for us ?
And this change is not always an easy one to make, because as Humans, we can become so invested in the life that we’ve built for ourselves, so invested in who we think we are, in what we thought we wanted for ourselves in the past, that we desperately cling to those things, even when those things have revealed themselves to not be in alignment with who we are today, with our Soul’s path. And we cling for several reasons, one of them being that we may have invested so much of our time and energy into either a relationship, or a project, or a career path, whatever it is, that we don’t want it to go to waste. We don’t want to let it go because then we would feel it was all for nothing, and it’s perfectly natural to feel this way, I understand this impulse to want to hold on, and I also understand the suffering that results from not letting go of what is no longer serving us.
So that’s one reason, another reason we hold on is because we feel that if we were to let go of that career, or those dreams, desires and relationships that are not in alignment with our path, it would mean that we somehow failed, and that we’re failures. And being seen as a failure in today’s society that constantly preaches the gospel of success, the gospel of the winner, that’s seen as a fate worse than death for many of us. Especially those of us who were told we were good for nothing and would amount to nothing. So we cling, we cling to save face. Rather live a lie than to be a failure in their eyes, rather death than shame. Some of you will know exactly what I mean by this.
There’s a verse in the Tao Te Ching which says “Know when to stop. Knowing when to stop averts trouble” This is such a wise verse, and one that we can apply this in this specific context, of knowing when to abandon certain things, when to let go of a path, a project or a relationship that is no longer right for us. I hear a lot being said today about always seeing something through to the end, always finishing what you start, and there is value in this, definitely but this perspective rarely takes into consideration the reality that we are ever changing beings, and so are our desires and values. And so what was right for us at one stage of our life, will not necessarily be right for us in the next stage. And not only that but it doesn’t take into consideration the truth that what many people are pursuing today, what they’ve built their entire life upon, is not even in alignment with who they are, what truly fulfills them.
There’s so much to be said for the opposite of always seeing something through to the end, for knowing when to stop. There’s so much power and wisdom in knowing when to let go, when to abandon things that are no longer serving us. Because forcing ourselves to continue down a path that is simply not right for us anymore, if it ever was, only brings suffering, I can tell you that right now.
This reminds me actually of that scene from Cinderella, when Cinderella’s sisters are trying on the glass slipper and it doesn't fit, but they’re trying to force it to fit. One sister even says “I’ll make it fit.” Isn’t that what we do ? We do this in all areas of our lives, with relationships that don’t fit us, a career that doesn’t fit us, an environment or a course of study that simply doesn’t fit. And we know it doesn’t fit and yet we say to ourselves “I’ll make it fit” We force things and that’s madness, if the shoe don’t fit then it doesn’t fit, and nothing we do will make the shoe fit.
The more we learn to let go and release what doesn’t serve us the easier this process becomes. And it’s very painful at first, trust me I know how painful it is, and we’re also going to have many first times on our path, the first time we let go of the life we had planned, the first time we let go of a version of ourselves, the first time we let go a meaningful relationship perhaps, or a desire, or items, you name it, there are so many first times, but the more we do it, the easier it becomes. It might still feel painful to let go of something or someone you want to let go of to stay alignment with your path, no matter how many times you’ve done it, but I can tell you that it does get easier, and having done it myself so many times now, I’ve found that the process starts to feel much more liberating and invigorating than it does painful, even though there is still pain sometimes.
Because this process of change, of changing and clearing away everything internally and externally that is not in alignment with who we are can feel incredibly painful, confusing, destructive, and disorienting, to say the least, but on the flip side it can also feel incredibly exciting, transformative, rejuvenating and beautiful.
And this is where adopting an open and surrendered attitude will probably serve us the most in life, we must be open to who we are today, right now in the present moment, not who we were yesterday.
There’s a sense of security that we humans get from our memories, meaning from having a consistent and cohesive idea of Self, a consistent and cohesive idea of what we think we want, that doesn’t change much overtime, but this a pseudo-security because as we’ve seen we are subject to the laws of change.
When I use the word consistency, when I say that being authentic is remaining consistently true to who we are, I don’t mean it to say staying consistent to who we’ve been and to a rigid idea of Self, but consistent rather to the idea of authenticity, to the truth, whatever that truth is, meaning that whatever we are today, we are going to embrace that and be true to that. We’re going to surrender to who we are today, and not hold ourselves hostage to who we were in the past.
It’s important to allow ourselves the freedom to change, the freedom to change our minds, to outgrow certain opinions, to outgrow certain relationships that no longer serve us and to even outgrow careers. Because when we don’t allow ourselves to change, that’s another bar in our prison bars that we’ve added, and the more we do this, the more the walls of this prison continue to shrink until it starts to feel unbearable.
So whatever it is today that we are called to do today, we need to honour that because that is our authenticity, this is the truth of who we are today. And the truth of who we are today, will most likely not be the truth of who we were yesterday, or who we will be tomorrow, it might be, but it might also not.
We don’t owe anyone consistency with our past selves, with who people have known us to be. You don’t owe anyone a sense of continuity with who you’ve been, you don’t owe people an explanation for your choices or who you are today, you don’t owe anyone a damn thing. But you do owe yourself everything, you owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself about what you want and who you are today, and what is most meaningful to you. That you do.
In part I, I spoke about how society wants us to fit neatly and nicely into certain boxes and roles so that they can define us and limit us by and in these roles, but we can also do that to ourselves. We can also trap ourselves into such roles, and hold ourselves captive within these ideas of who we thought we were, what we thought we wanted, or who we should be.
And that’s why self-awareness and self-knowledge are crucial pillars to authenticity, because if we’re not careful, we can very easily live life on auto pilot and continue doing what we’ve done, simply because we’ve always done it, not even realizing, that this thing we may be doing, it doesn’t even fulfill us anymore. Most people live their lives on auto-pilot, which is why you have a society where so many people are in this rat race, chasing someone else’s idea of success, not even realizing what’s happening. But if you want to lead an authentic life you need to become self-aware and check in with yourself, because it's so easy to lose sight of what matters most to us in life.
And that’s really what it means to live life on your own terms.
Self-knowledge is a pre-requisite to living life on your own’s terms. It’s impossible to live life on your own terms without first knowing who you are. It’s only once you have gotten clear on who you are, what you value, what is most meaningful to you, what you really want, that now you get to choose the terms of your own life. Now you get to consciously live life on your own terms rather than slavishly accepting the terms someone else has set for you.
And what’s important to always keep in mind about Self-knowledge is that this is something that is consistently cultivated and attended to like a garden.
And that’s why self-knowledge and self-awareness are not static achievements to be attained only once, instead they are dynamic achievements that must be continuously cultivated, otherwise we fall into stagnation, and unconsciousness.
And this takes time, courage, the courage to look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves, and a lot of solitude, but this is crucial to us being able to embody our most authentic self. Once we’ve garnered all of this self-knowledge, if we consistently apply what we have learned about ourselves then we will slowly but surely build a solid foundation in all areas of our life, and this will be a foundation of truth, it won’t be one that is based on lies and trauma.
So, if in this process of self-discovery, you find that you’ve outgrown a passion, a desire, or even a dream that you once had, or a relationship then let it go. Some things and some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season, not a lifetime, and I know it can be painful in the moment to let go, but I promise that the new life that is waiting for you, of which these changes are a messenger of, will bring you much greater fulfillment than that thing, path or person could’ve ever brought you.
So allow yourself to outgrow yourself, because that’s what we’re supposed to be doing. And then allow yourself to outgrow yourself again, and again, and again, ad infinitum.
Let go of who you thought you were and the life you thought you wanted, because in a lot of cases, the life that is actually meant for you, the path that will actually bring you the greatest level of fulfillment, joy and peace, has nothing to do with what you thought you wanted or with what you thought your life was going to look like. In most cases.
And those of us who have been deeply, profoundly wounded and traumatized in childhood know this better than anyone. Once we embark on our healing journey, and start the process of healing our inner child, reparenting ourselves, and healing other wounds, we realize that this process of healing is actually what is helping us to come back home to the truth of who we are.
When we’re still carrying around these massive unhealed and unadressed traumas and wounds, those are what compel us to lead inauthentic lives, to make inauthentic choices, unbeknownst to us, it’s those unhealed traumas that cause us to chase things or people that are not in alignment with our highest good, or to chase someone else’s idea of success, to live someone else’s life, and so on and so forth.
Many desires that people hold today, are actually trauma responses, their artificial desires so to speak. Let me say it again, many desires that people hold today, are actually trauma responses. They are not authentic soulful desires that reflect the truth of who we really are, and what our Soul is here to do.
And speaking of what our Soul is here to do, let’s now switch gears and talk about our calling, this is going to be the final topic for this conversation.
In part I, I touched on the relationship between authenticity and meaning, and more specifically the relationship between authenticity or our calling, those things that we feel irresistibly compelled to do.
Our calling is something that naturally emerges from the knowing of who we are, once we have all of this self-knowledge that I've spoken of in this series, our calling will become unmistakably clear to us. It will feel like a clear inner knowing, an inner conviction that this is what I’m supposed to be doing right now.
And I say right now because remember that could change. As we grow and evolve so does our calling, so does our Mission grow and evolve, it might stay the same for the duration of our time here on Earth, but it might also not, the key is to not cling to any one path but just stay open, open to what our Soul, what life is calling us to do in this very moment, and to just act on the guidance.
So, let’s get practical here, and talk about how does one actually find their calling ? How we find our calling is a highly individualized process, it looks different for everyone, but there are some questions that we can ask ourselves that will put us on this path of discovering what we’re being called to do.
A part from the obvious questions like what am I passionate about, what brings me joy, what really fulfills me, I really want you to look at your talents, and ask yourself, what am I talented at ? What comes so naturally to me, that I don’t even realize that this is a talent ? Because remember what comes naturally to you doesn’t always come naturally to others, and that’s what makes it talent. And talent comes in all shapes and sizes, and the reason I want you to look at your talents, is because our talents are always intertwined with our calling in life. They are the vehicle through which we fulfill our Mission. So when we find our talents, we’re that much closer to discovering our calling, if we haven’t already, but our talents give us a pretty strong idea of what we’re here to do.
And we all have talents, it’s just a matter of recognizing what those are, and also honoring those gifts and talents. The tragedy is that a lot of the times we don’t even honor our own talents and gifts, we devalue them, constantly.
In our society today a lot talent goes unrecognized and unappreciated because it doesn’t fit within a specific mold. And I’m going to quote a brilliant man here called Sir Ken Robinson, who spoke a lot about talent. This man has changed my life for the better in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to him for the impact he’s had in my life. So here is the quote: