I wish I could’ve known you before But I know you now, And the now that I know I lay blame at one’s door.
I can already hear the censors,
“The blame is yours !”
Yet how often have you made me answer to you, That now it seems only fair That I make you answer to me.
After all before you, I was not born Answering to the name of pain, But then neither were you And neither were the ones before you.
And so for all my anger at you, How do I justify it ?
I know the fine line I walk Between demonization And victimization, And I have fallen Over and over Many times again On both sides.
I have expressed to you my agony On many occasions As I do best Both orally and with the pen, Both gently and fiercely Hoping you would for once Answer me !
Hoping you would for once Welcome my pain into your heart Rather than leave it On your doorstep As that unwanted child That I was to you.
You may think I resent you For the pain you have caused, But you’re wrong.
The true source of my resentment Lies in your failure to understand The depth of the damage That you have inflicted upon me, And lies too in my own failure To overcome what was done And what wasn’t done.
And for this, I find myself unable Or perhaps more truthfully Unwilling, To forgive.
And for this, My shame is great.
Because you and I both know that at heart, I am a lover. And it hurts me to hate you, It hurts me to hurt you But it equally hurts me To let this suffering go unanswered for.
Because the truth is, I don’t know How to heal from you !
All the letters I wrote to you All the tears I shed, All the hours and years I spent Diving into the depths of my being And facing the you in me that I hated That I called shadow That I called other, I still don’t know How to heal from you.
I don’t know how To overcome and forgive. I don’t know how To love and forget.
And maybe when it comes to you I never will.
Maybe, when it comes to you, when it comes to us and what could’ve been, maybe it’ll always hurt even if just a little.
You are the eternal thorn in my foot That cuts deeper and deeper At the foundation of my Being And continually threatens The very meaning That I have given life.
You are the impossible Labyrinth of trauma That I have been unable To navigate my way out of And for this, My shame is great !
Shame on me, For not having been able to overcome this, And worse, for thinking that I had !
Because I, like you, Have also wanted so desperately To distance myself From the immaturity and vulnerability of youth, That most tender and private of times That lays the foundation for future rhymes.
Because I, like you, Have also wanted so desperately To say and truly mean, “That is there and I am here, fully grown ! And I have nothing to do with those times anymore.”
But then it happens.
Someone does something That can’t be undone, Says something That can’t be unsaid. Words are carelessly thrown And then in the flash of an eye Those times come rushing back in To explode in our face And remind us,
That we have not escaped the war.
That as much as you and I may want To shut the door on what was done And stay firmly planted On this side of the wall of shame,
The war still wages.
That as much as you and I may want With exquisite indifference to say,
“What’s done is done.”
You and I both know That the war is not over,
And we have not escaped anything.
You have not escaped your fathers And I, have not escaped you.
I wish I could look at you and say,
“I could never do what you did !”
But I have. I have done it to others and sometimes I still do it to myself, even to this day.
But even with all my anger and pain, You have no idea how much I long To take you down from that cross That I have spent years crucifying you on, No idea how long I have cried
“My God ! Why have you forsaken me ?”
I have never been able to earn your favor O’ Creator !
“Must try harder.”
But why should I work so hard To prove the value of my existence To a god who after all, made me ? What kind of cruel god Would condemn their children To such an impossible fate ?
And this is the god whose favor I would try to earn ?
What I have said of you may be true, But I am not so unjust as to say That my accounts of you Are complete.
I won’t allow my pain to make a liar out of me as I have in the past.
Because if I love you, which I do, then I need to take into account the fullness of you.
If I love you, which I do, then I can’t reduce you to being merely a monster.
And if I love you, which I do, despite it all and maybe even because of it all, Does that not prove that there is something inside of you worth loving ?
Despite all of our attempts At convincing ourselves otherwise, If you love me, and I love you, However imperfectly However tragically, Does that not prove That there is something Inside of you Inside of me That is good, That is true and that is pure ?
It is not convenient for me to love you, But I do. And it is because I love you That my Love asks of me To reconsider my options.
What does this mean ?
It means, That you pierced me With your words and actions Without a second thought. It means, That we died for your sins, That you might remember A sense of your own worthiness. And it means, That we now make you carry The cross you inflicted upon us, That we might remember A sense of our own worthiness That you made us forget Long ago.
Because we love you. Because we love you enough to hate you. And because it’s easier to blame you, than to blame ourselves for our own failures And prove that you were indeed right about us all along.
But who has the better deal here ?
After all, Both punisher and punishee suffer in Hell together.
I know, That as of today There is no hope for peace. Not as long as I keep Even a piece of you On that cross. And so if I am to rejoin That peace of Heaven That I lost long ago I know, That I need to take All of you with me.
If I love you, as I say I do, then I cannot leave you behind. For then I would be leaving myself behind as well.
If I love you, As I say I do, Then I must take both you and I down from that cross Immediately, And give us over to the Holy Mother’s Love In whose embrace all sins are forgiven.
Do you understand what I am saying ?
I am saying that, Despite this incurable wound despite myself despite my incorrigible human nature, I want to forgive.
I want to forgive not only you but also myself, For having fallen short of my ideals and of our Divine nature which relentlessly compels me to Love you again and again and again.
And I know that Perhaps to want is not enough, but it is a start. And who knows when the end of that want will be but all I know is that right now,
I want to forgive.
Because I know that I have as much to ask for your forgiveness, as you do mine.
And because In my hour of suffering, I want to remember What I forgot Long ago.
I want to remember That paradise that I lost Somewhere in eternity Before this world was When all I knew was Love.
I want to remember That time before shame Long before I knew it On a first name basis.
I want to remember That time before time That time before sin That time before fear.
More than anything, I want to remember what I lost, long ago.
I want to see and feel That portrait of Heaven When I look into your eyes, When I look into mine.
And how I wish you could’ve seen that in me before.
I wish you could’ve seen me Father, Truly. I wish you could’ve loved me for me, for free, I wish you could’ve freed me from having to take your breath away just so I could earn my way, into that heart of yours.
And how I wish I could’ve known you Father.
I wish I could’ve known you before, Before your god made you and maimed you and you maimed me. But I know you now, And the now that I know Is as much worthy of Love today As he was then.