To know oneself to see see oneself honestly, impartially, hurts. It hurts like the hell you went through which you try so frantically to forget and bury in a hurry. To see
"I am not who I thought I was. I am not good."
hurts. To turn away from your reflection to be revolted at one's reflection is to know the meaning of projection is to know the meaning of self-hate. Not the how but the why the deep psychological why the reason that reason self-preservation. the reason that reason survival. Because to live without love is an impossible task. So we lie to survive and we lie to ourselves before we ever lie to anyone else. Because to live without love is an impossible task. to not be able to escape the hell of oneself ? An impossible burden to bear. So we lie to survive to ourselves before we ever lie to anyone else. we deflect, project blame
”it's you, it's them not me it's others my brother, my mother my father.” We lie ! to survive to ourselves and to others. Because to live without love is an impossible task and those without it commit suicidal, homicidal murder. The truth hurts. and it hurts like the hell of eternal damnation because now you’re old enough to know there is no heaven without hell no saints without sinners no absolution or resolution, no true perfect unconditional love for the sake of just being oneself The damage is done, and so am I. J'accuse.